Addison would have been 7 weeks old today. I realized the other day that she has been gone longer than she was actually here. It seems so unfair that my little girl had to be one of the babies that did not survive. I keep thinking why did I not deserve a miracle.
The one thing that I can remember always wanting was a child with Jason. I always told him that if he ever gave me the honor of having his child, that I would never ask for anything else. It seems so unfair, that I got this most precious gift to have it taken away 22 days later. I know that Addison is in a better place, but I long for her back all the time. Every time I see a pregnant woman or a mom with her baby, I think about how lucky and blessed they are and wonder do they have any idea what a gift they have been given and are allowed to keep. I realized that the only time I was able to hold Addison was when she was taking her last breaths. I wish that I had had more time with her to hold her and love on her. I still play all the events from her birth to her death over and over again in my mind. Hoping that I will never forget anything about her.
There are times at night when I just watch Jason sleep. I see so much of my Addison in him. At times this is very comforting and other times it makes it hard to look at him because all I can think about is my little angel. Jason is an amazing man, and I just think of all the other things that she may have gotten from her daddy and it breaks my heart that I will never know.
I hope that one day Jason and I will be blessed with another child, and I will have another one of God's little miracles to hold in my arms. I think that moment will be a little bittersweet since I was supposed to get to hold my Addison and take her home. I know that another child will never make this pain go away, but it will allow me to give all this love to a child as well as allow me to tell all about its big sister who fought so hard and was so precious that God could not let her go. I know Addison will always be part of our family and will never be forgotten no matter where life leads Jason and I. We have forever been changed by her being in our lives. I now look at the world in a different light that I had before and I continue to wonder how God will use this new found clarity to help others.
Also, please pray for Kaden Kuehl is at UCSF on ECMO. His little lungs are collapsed and need to reinflate for him to get better. I really want him to be one of the miracles!
Surgeon Appointment
1 year ago
3 comments:
Someone on Breath of Hope told me about scripture in Hebrews 11 where it it talking about why some people have their miracles and why others don't and in there it says "The world was not worthy of them". I asked my pastor what exactly that meant and am still not completely sure.. but I think I find comfort in thinking that Maxton was better than this world and the world just didn't deserve him. Of course, that doesn't change the fact that I sure feel deserving! :-)
Marion reading your thoughts about how you miss Addison just breaks my heart. I too wish she was here with you and you could hold her. I pray for you and Jason everyday.
Marion-
I would love to be able to give you a hug. It is so hard not to "go there" and get angry--really angry. None of this makes sense to me. I see all these people with their new babies and wonder why I was not worthy of having a healthy baby that I can take home. I know how much you miss your Addison. And to go thru what we do, and for them to fight so hard, and not get the outcome we want is just not right. I totally understand your and Ashley's feelings of emptiness and longing. I pray that it will continue to get easier for you both--if it ever gets easier. I wish I had words that could make it better, but I don't think anything I can say will.
Just know that I am praying for you both and don't know what I would do without your love & support right now :)
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