Today is Jason's first day back at work and my first day to be alone since we lost Addison. It is much harder being home alone than I had anticipated. The house feels so empty since I had expected/hoped to come home with a newborn baby. I had really gotten used to the idea of having my little Addison with me always.
I pumped for three weeks while Addison was here, and it has been 3 weeks since she grew her angel wings, and I still wake up every 3-4 hours that is if I am sleeping at all. I had all of her things shipped back from California and put them away in her room. As hard as it is to have her room in the house, there are times when it is very comforting to go in it. I do not know if I will ever be ready to disassemble her room and pack up her things.
Surgeon Appointment
1 year ago
9 comments:
your not alone mentally! you have a ton of people thinking about and praying for you too! i cant even imagine what you are going thru, but your strength, support and encouragement of other families is just amazing! i am in awe of you!
David went back to work last Saturday and it has been very hard to be here all day alone. I keep telling myself I am going to get up and clean the house, but instead I sit here all day- either online or watching TV or trying to sleep. I hope things get better for us soon....
Ash
first off i am very sorry for the loss of your precious girl, she will forever be your baby. i too have a cdh angel. she was a twin, her battle was hard but after 14 days we knew where she needed to be. it will be three years on the 28th of august...still seems like yesterday some days, then some days it seems like 20 years ago. i am at a very different place in the life of grief after the loss of you child...i would like to say that it gets easier but i think it just gets different, just recently after the birth of our twin girls in july this year did i truely grief in a way that i thougt i had already, i didn't ecpext it, i think there have been a million things that have provoked fear, anxiety, saddness, joy and flash backs that i would have never had imagined, but then i'd never thought after 10 years trying and 13 miscarriages we would bury our baby either. i have days where i truely have to remind myself that she is better off, i have days where i am jealous of the survivors, ask why not mine, then there are days that i am at such peace i scare myself. we grew a special place in our hearts for these children we wanted so badley, for them to not be with us i think we have to grow a special place for them in our lives. i found that there were people, situations etc that seem to put a limitations of how much and how long i should grief, your true family and friends will allow you to have the days your having when ever for ever...you have the right, and your feelings are very real. i had emotions that my husband didn't have, as mothers i think we do, we do so much preparing to get them here that you have to do something with all of that. know that i am here if i could help in any way. by the way losing a twin to cdh and bringing one home was not the consolation prize that many think, i wanted them both and right out of the gates i was reminded of what i actually loss, however our last and final pregnacy really was hard emotionally but well worth it, i never thought id be where i am today especially if oyu asked me 3 years ago. i have told people that grief after lossing your baby isn't grief, it is life, trying to hold onto such a small amount of time when you loved them for a lifetime already is just down right hard, painful and at times unfair. find firends, and remeber to live your life here on earth for her since she is in heaven waiting on you. take care and i will pray for some peace...the lonely days are hard, but use them and learn from them, there is a deeper you you never knew was there. we keep some of aubreys things, we donated a lot to nicu and rmh, i couldn't take money because we bought them for her with so much love and hope and anticipation, you can't put a price on that, not know if we could ever have anymore children...i just couldn't use some of the things again, they were hers but just not for us anymore.
I pray for you everyday Marion. I wish I lived closer to you. I am sending you a big hug right now.
We are thinking about you and Jason! I wish y'all were coming to Greenville for Easter. I hope to see you soon!
We are praying for you. You have the right to feel lonely, but you're not alone. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. God is by your side, he's holding your hand.
Whenever you feel lonely - ASAP (Always Say A Prayer).
It helped me thru it and it will help you.
Thinking of you,
Joseph Carter DeJohn's 'grammy"
The sadness you feel can not be fully understood by those of us who have not been where you are. Please know you have been lifted to GOD who is the One and Only who can feel your pain.I know you are assured of his comfort.Barry and I love both of you and pray for you.I love and miss you MOM
Marion-
I just wanted to let you know how much your support over the last couple of days has meant to us. I know you know how we are feeling. I thought I was prepared for this, but unfortunately I was wrong. It really shouldn't be like this for any mommy or daddy, but we have to trust that God has a lesson in this for us. I can truely relate to how much you must miss your Addison. I continue to pray for you to stay strong--your strength has inspired me. I tell myself all the time that I am not the only Mommy that has suffered. The NICU nurses here have asked about you, and how you are doing. I tell them you are an amazing woman and one of my hero's :)
I'm so sorry that you feel so alone. Please remember that she's watching over her Mommy and she's safe. My heart is with you.
Love,
Stephanie
Brooke and Kamryn's mommy
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